When a family member is in serious trouble, many families will go to any length to help the one they love. It's as if their battle cry, whether spoken or unspoken, is, "All for one, and one for all." Unfortunately, with the diseases of alcoholism and drug addiction (Substance Use Disorders), this desire to be helpful can become unhealthy for both the helper and the addict. 

Family members are confused by the change occurring in the one they love. They don't understand the increasing consequences and are baffled by how distant, angry, manipulative, self-absorbed , or careless their loved one has become. So they try to solve the problem, fix the stressors, manage the consequences, and blame or excuse the use of the substance. Their actions are often based on unconscious motivations; "If I keep hovering and worrying, I get to keep my illusion of control," writes Patricia Choate at Halzeden, referring to her experience in working with families. The natural instinct to swoop in and fix things becomes chronic and incessant and eventually robs the family member of piece of mind. These are some common behaviors that occur within families and friendships of a loved one caught in the cycle of addiction:

Denial: Thinking, "She's not that bad," "He still works," "It's just a stage."

Enabling: Bailing out of jail, paying fines, abusing, substances with them.

Covering up: Keeping the increased use, consequences, and behaviors a secret.

Controlling: Pouring out the booze, limiting access to money, declining social invitations. 

Compensating: Taking over the addicted individual's responsibilities.

 A common set of ideas many treatment facilities share with family members is the "3 C's". "You didn't Cause it. You can't Control it. And you can't Cure it." This saying is an invitation to family and friends to begin the process of letting go and learn healthy ways of being in a relationship with an addicted person.